Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Actions speak louder than pants.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
