Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
