So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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