Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
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