I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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