I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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