my vag is so smooth its legendary
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
