nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize