he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
