just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Shame is for Republicans.
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