there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
