Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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