The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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