I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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