I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
