He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.