Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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