What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Houston, we have a squirter
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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