I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
be right there i have to get my cape
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
