he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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