I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
