my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
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We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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