Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
