genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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