Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively