then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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