so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Im part way to drunk.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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