Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
