I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
