I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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