Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
