apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
