so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
There are leaves in my underwear?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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