Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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