There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
