Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
