i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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