jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
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