don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
