i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
