I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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