like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
