my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Randomize
