mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
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My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
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I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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