Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
