I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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