her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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