my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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