I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
