Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
