Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
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i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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