my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
