quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
