My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
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Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
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I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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