What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
