I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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