party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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